Despite the encouraging devotion this morning, the
reassurance that it is about relationships and not about accomplishments, I am
feeling a bit useless. Before we left for
Mwandi we were asked by so many what our tasks would be. We would answer with what seems to be the
motto of the trip: “it is about the relationships not the tasks.”
I hear it, I understand it, but I am having trouble with
it. Though I spend many hours at the
OVC, time at the hospital, time at the farm, I question how useful my time
is. I wonder if anyone is finding value
in my help. Or am I just in the way?
Although I am feeling discouraged and my emotions are
getting away from me, I understand the reality.
First, my time is valued. Even if
I don’t accomplish much in a day, I know that I am appreciated. Just my presence shows support and love for
this mission.
Second, it is a positive thing that I am not needed
much. It shows that the mission is
sustainable. The OVC can afford to hire
staff to watch over and feed the children.
Volunteers are useful, but the staff has the system under control. It is wonderful to travel to a remote village
in Africa and find a successful program implemented. Once I
better understand those systems, I will become more and more useful.
Lastly, I have been away from home for a full week now, and
not just away from home, but in a third-world country on the other side of the
world. It is true in any situation,
travelers become weary. Although our
living conditions are very comfortable, being away from the familiarity of home
is beginning to take a toll on me and I believe this is feeding my anxiety
about the mission. There have been
moments today where I just wanted to get up and run. Run away.
Rather, I have decided to allow myself to experience the emotions, take
the time to process them, and realize why I am feeling the way I am. After recognizing what I have been
experiencing, I have been mindful to not allow my attitude to effect the people
around me or the work that is being done, while also vowing to have a more
positive mind-set tomorrow.
The hardest part about being an American in a village in
Africa is not having enough to do. I
have no to-do list, and no checklist, just an obligation to help where ever I
am needed. I struggle with downtime and
quiet time. At home I fill those gaps in
my day with television, internet, magazines, etc. Here I must fill those moments with my own
thoughts and prayers. And perhaps I am
driving myself bonkers in my own head. I
think that when I get over this funk, I will feel refreshed and renewed and
hopefully appreciate the slow pace and way of life in Mwandi. It is so different than my pace at home and I
am obviously struggling to adapt.
The funny thing about it all is that we were fully
warned. I cannot tell you how many times
we were told that the pace was slow and nothing starts on time. We were told that it is quiet and we will
find ourselves overwhelmed. And yet, as
I experience all these things first-hand, nothing could have prepared me. I suppose that is the thing about mission,
you just have to experience it yourself!
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