Everything is different now

Downstairs the tile work rages on while I sit in my home office attempting to concentrate on this grant application.  Clearly I am distracted, meaning you get a post, and my brain gets a 10 minute break.

As we watched the finale to the Bachelorette last night (Team Jef--all the way!) my best friend Jill pondered about our home improvement projects and what that means for our missionary future.  Good question Jill, isn't everyone else wondering the same thing?

It has been such a difficult journey, choosing to take on a new lifestyle, then being handed a completely different one that set us entirely off track.  In the beginning I was a firm believer that even with children we were on the path God laid out before us, and we were ready to move into a new role in our lives.  But five months later everything is different now. 

What began as a fun and exciting journey quickly became difficult and tiresome.  I felt a huge pressure that weighed on me every time our plans were brought up.  Alex and I began to disagree over everything.  I never wanted to spend any time on our training or research.  It was all too hard.

On top of the building pressure, I was still feeling so ill and tired all the time.  I didn't have energy to get through a day, let alone think about our future.  Finally Alex and I talked it through (which sounded more like me crying to him about how unhappy I was) and we came to a bit of a conclusion.  I say "bit" because it is really the anti-conclusion conclusion.  We took a step back from our training with Christian Associates and backed out of our current cohort.  For right now we have decided to embrace the present and believe in where God has put us right at this very moment.

We have no plans, we have no direction.  We don't know where this is heading.  In 3 or 6 months we may be right where we left off with CA, or we might be on another path entirely.  The only thing I know for certain is that in that time we will welcome our first child and I can convince myself all day long that nothing will change...but let's be honest.  Everything is different now.

So the home improvement really was 80% a necessity (thanks to a growing mold issue) and 20% "well if we are going to do it, we might as well do it the way I want it!"  So today I will have new tile (25 cents a square foot at the restore) and a sense of of joy in where I am, right now.