So this weekend is the Ramblin' Rose Triathlon. I am registered. And I am not going to compete. I finally made a decision. This one I'm sticking with.
As I dive further into my new identity as a mom, I realize there old pieces of my identity that are slowly being stripped away. A huge part of my life used to be training and competing (if you can call it that) for races. Since becoming a mom, I have struggled to hold on to this identity and maintain this part of my life. Despite my best attempts I have failed miserably at training for any single event this year. I thought that there was a commitment issue. I felt like I was wimping out by not following through.
It has taken me 10 long months (and more) to realize this, but I don't think that my inability to train this year is simply because I am not committed. I think it also involves passion. And I'm definitely not passionate. And you know what? That's ok. And I'm ok with that. I am finally coming to grips with the idea that life is different now. I am different now. I don't have to do it all anymore. I can do different things. I can be a different person. I am not losing my identity because of this. I am just shaping a new me. Right now, the new me does not involve racing.
It involves casual walks and runs with my baby in a stroller. It involves the occasional bike ride on my worn but trusty Trek. Maybe it will even involve a few dips in the pool here and there. It doesn't include a training plan or a schedule of workouts to complete. It doesn't involve any pressure and added stress. Just an open plan to stay fit through a healthy lifestyle. There may be a 5k thrown in here and there, even an 8k. But they will be family events to participate for fun and to model a healthy life to my daughter, not a competition to beat my PR.
On Sunday I could complete the triathlon. I could swim a 250 any day, I know I could even bike 8 miles without blinking. The run...well I could always walk 2 miles if I was too exhausted to finish. But here's the thing: I didn't work for this. And while some may argue, I truly feel like I didn't earn it. I won't feel worthy of hanging the medal around my neck at the finish line. If this were just another 5k I wouldn't care. But it would be my very first triathlon. And when I choose to actually train and complete my very first triathlon I want to do it with true passion and commitment, giving the training and the race everything I have to give. I don't just want to check it off the bucket list. I want to earn it! So I'm bowing out. Maybe I'll get up on Sunday and take Eleanor for a run instead, but I will not be finishing a triathlon this weekend.
I am surely disappointed. I am sure Ramblin' Rose is disappointed in me too. But I have to do what is right for me. And for right now, this isn't it. I know, without a doubt, that someday this bug will bite me again, and I will be out there training my heart out. Right now I am ok with where I am. And I don't want to keep making myself feel like I have to do more to be respected, even self-respected on a fitness level.
Boy for a blog about food and fitness...we have gotten way off base. At least I know that my faith will never leave me. Even when I falter there, I know the mercy and grace of our loving Savior will always pick me back up again.
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