Friday, September 20, 2013

I am not a triathlete

So this weekend is the Ramblin' Rose Triathlon.  I am registered.  And I am not going to compete.  I finally made a decision.  This one I'm sticking with.

As I dive further into my new identity as a mom, I realize there are old pieces of my identity that are slowly being stripped away.  A huge part of my life used to be training and competing (if you can call it that) for races.  Since becoming a mom, I have struggled to hold on to this identity and maintain this part of my life.  Despite my best attempts I have failed miserably at training for any single event this year.  I thought that there was a commitment issue.  I felt like I was wimping out by not following through.

It has taken me 10 long months (and more) to realize this, but I don't think that my inability to train this year is simply because I am not committed.  I think it also involves passion.  And I'm definitely not passionate.  And you know what?  That's ok.  And I'm ok with that.  I am finally coming to grips with the idea that life is different now.  I am different now.  I don't have to do it all anymore.  I can do different things.  I can be a different person.  I am not losing my identity because of this.  I am just shaping a new me.  Right now, the new me does not involve racing.
It involves casual walks and runs with my baby in a stroller.  It involves the occasional bike ride on my worn but trusty Trek.  Maybe it will even involve a few dips in the pool here and there.  It doesn't include a training plan or a schedule of workouts to complete.  It doesn't involve any pressure and added stress.  Just an open plan to stay fit through a healthy lifestyle.  There may be a 5k thrown in here and there, even an 8k.  But they will be family events to participate for fun and to model a healthy life to my daughter, not a competition to beat my PR.

On Sunday I could complete the triathlon.  I could swim a 250 any day, I know I could even bike 8 miles without blinking.  The run...well I could always walk 2 miles if I was too exhausted to finish.  But here's the thing: I didn't work for this.  And while some may argue, I truly feel like I didn't earn it.  I won't feel worthy of hanging the medal around my neck at the finish line.  If this were just another 5k I wouldn't care.  But it would be my very first triathlon.  And when I choose to actually train and complete my very first triathlon I want to do it with true passion and commitment, giving the training and the race everything I have to give.  I don't just want to check it off the bucket list.  I want to earn it!  So I'm bowing out.  Maybe I'll get up on Sunday and take Eleanor for a run instead, but I will not be finishing a triathlon this weekend.

I am surely disappointed.  I am sure Ramblin' Rose is disappointed in me too.  But I have to do what is right for me.  And for right now, this isn't it.  I know, without a doubt, that someday this bug will bite me again, and I will be out there training my heart out.  Right now I am ok with where I am.  And I don't want to keep making myself feel like I have to do more to be respected, even self-respected on a fitness level.
Boy for a blog about food and fitness...we have gotten way off base.  At least I know that my faith will never leave me.  Even when I falter there, I know the mercy and grace of our loving Savior will always pick me back up again. 

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