Words, not photos.

I rarely get around to writing posts on the blog that aren't just recaps of our daily events.  Once upon a time I used to use this space for emptying the thoughts boggled in my brain.  Lately, I only use this space to empty the memory card from my computer. 

That's not to say that I'm not "writing" posts all day long in my head.  Only they never make it to the keyboard.  As I'm driving, running, swimming, biking I am constantly writing.  I am telling the story of me, to an audience of one...just me. 

I miss the sweet release of writing more.  I miss the dumping ground for my thoughts.  I wish I had the time and energy to sit down and capture my life better.  Not just the what, but also the who I am and how I think.  Bringing my mind out on the screen helps me to feel a little more sane, a little more real, and a little less stressed.  And thus I am inspired to type out thoughts today.  Not a reenactment of my day or weekend.  Not photos.  Just my mind. 

Lately I am struggling with who I am.  I think I want one thing but then I want the other.  I'm indecisive and unhappy with the decisions I do make.  I moan about not having enough time but then I do really unproductive things  like stalk Facebook and scan Pinterest.  It reminds me of the bible passage that reads:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15)

Basically I choose to do something, but wind up doing the exact opposite.  I know what will make me feel better.  But I don't do it.  I know the things that will give me instant gratification and I choose that, over the things that will bring me lasting joy.  This pattern resurrects itself in all areas of my life:

Faith
Fitness
Food
Money
Clothes
Family

I flounder and thrash.  And time and time again I make bad decisions.  And I begin to lose my confidence which leads to even more struggles.

There are some areas that I feel very confident, however.  Some things that I feel comfortable and secure.  

My friends.  I feel so supported and loved and surrounded by wonderful Christian woman who challenge and lead me.  When I am showing my weaknesses they build me up and encourage.  They are gifts from God.  

Being a mom.  Eleanor sure makes it easy.  Being her mom brings me so much joy and intense love.  When Alex got home from work yesterday we just snuggled her and played and I couldn't help but think over and over again how wonderful it is to be in our little family.  It makes me so cheerful.  It also makes me think about our little future, and hopefully many more little faces to fill our home.  I am content with Eleanor but I see how we could grow and be even more exuberant!

You see, my life is so incredibly blessed.  And yet I battle internal struggles all day long.  An inner dialogue that keeps me tipping on the edge of joy.  This is the life of a Christian.  I believe we are all hurting in some way.  The world tempts us and pulls us in ways unique only to us.  The enemy knows where we are weak.  I know I am struggling more now because my relationship with Christ is not good.  I think about the time and effort I put into my worldly relationships and I know God is jealous for me.  He wants me.  All of me.  Will I be courageous enough to give more?  

That's me.  And that's where I am.  As I am sure many of you can relate.  There is good and bad in each and every day.  I am fighting for the good.  And trying to make daily changes that will propel me into a life I want to lead while also maintaining a balance of fun and discipline.  

Finally, I must share how intensely I love the Bible.  For many reasons, but also for this: I just googled to see what the Bible said about discipline.  What is God's stake in this?  When deciding which disciplines to follow, I want to choose from the Bible, what God has willed for my life.  And so I read this section of scripture, Hebrews 12:1-29. Now how is it possible that a text written so long ago can be so applicable to my life today?  How is that these old words speak to me?  It is the Living Word and it touches deep in my soul.  And I am at once comforted and awed by the work of the Lord.  He teaches, He forgives, He loves.  He is a CONSUMING FIRE.  I just love the Word.  I wish that I would remember that more often and spend more time in it.  Remember my previous line:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15)