Monday, February 4, 2013

Lessons from the middle of the night

Things I learned Saturday Night:

1.  I never want to be pregnant...ever, ever again.

2.  My husband is above and beyond the best person I have ever met.

Of course, I kinda knew these two things already going into Saturday night, but it truly sealed the deal.  Somewhere around 2:30am I woke right up.  For a moment I couldn't figure out why, but in the next moment, keeled over the toilet, I realized that I was sick.  If there is anything I hate more than being sick, it is being a sick mom.  It is really hard to take care of someone else when I feel so beat down.

Cue Alex.  He was up and down with me all night, handing me towels, filling my water, cleaning up my messes.  He is a saint.  And as the night went on, I contemplated whether I would do the same for him.  Wouldn't I probably use the excuse that I was already up all night with Eleanor to keep me free from sick duties?  And so I vowed last night that if the tides were ever turned (as I'm sure they will be someday) I would be just as generous as Alex is.  Without complaint I would help him through the night with no regard to my sleep.  Because that is what true love does, and if Alex can love me that much, he deserves my love and respect back even more.

Ok, so about that other item.  This morning as I tossed in bed, groaning from the events of the night, Alex admitted his first thought when he heard me throwing up was that we were pregnant again.  I confessed back that I had literally cried at the very same thought when I woke up sick.  It became my solace that I wasn't pregnant, and this too shall pass.  But the premise of another four months of morning all-the-time sickness literally sickened me.  This is the first time I have been stomach sick since those dark days last spring.  It brought me straight back to the depression and that is a place I never want to go again, no matter how much I love Eleanor.  I can only pray that any future pregnancies will not include such extreme morning sickness.

To add to my anxiety over being sick and the fear of being pregnant again, just a few nights ago I had a dream that I revealed I was pregnant.  Just three months after the birth of Eleanor.  Dear God, if that is even a possibility, please spare me! 

So the lessons learned in the middle of the night: honor my husband with everything I have.  And don't get pregnant!

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