Friday, November 9, 2012


I don't want to forget a single moment of this entire week.  I already look at Eleanor and think she has grown too much.  In reality she hasn't grown any.  By yesterday (Thursday) she had only lost 4 ounces and is likely on the upswing now since we are currently on a marathon feeding schedule.  But I doubt she has outgrown her birth weight yet. 

These few days seem to be flying by, yet at the same time, I can't believe she's only been with us for a little over 2 days.  As all new moms say, it seems like she has always been with us.  And I never knew how much love I could have for someone else.  Alex is pretty awesome and all, but this little girl was created by us (and God) and it is just such a miracle. I still can't wrap my mind around it and I feel so lucky to get to experience all this.
While I didn't love pregnancy, and the childbirth wasn't exactly my cup-of-tea, being a mom is everything I could have hoped for and so much more.  I worried I wasn't cut out for this because I was never super excited about being pregnant.  While I was anxiously looking forward to the delivery, I actually hated that entire day.  So my fear was that she would arrive and perhaps I would even resent her for putting me through it all. 

When she finally arrived at 10:20pm on Tuesday, November 6 and they laid her on me, I was in complete shock.  And pain.  And it took several moments to even realize she was there.  I just kept rubbing her and wondering how it all transpired.  It didn't take much longer for me to begin falling in love however.  And one look at Alex's face as Eleanor laid on my chest and the deal was sealed.  We were a family of three and we were so in love. 
My favorite moment was bringing her home.  I sat in the back of the jeep with her and Alex and I were so chatty all the way.  I hadn't eaten in two days and I was starving, so at 2:30 in the morning we ate some leftovers and finally made our way upstairs to get some sleep before dawn. 
As we nestled in, it was like we both suddenly realized we were home with a baby and couldn't figure out what to do.  Where does she sleep? What does she wear? None of her clothes fit.  How do you swaddle?  We went through at least 10 different options, changing her outfits and bundling her up with each one.  She was unphased, but must have thought we were crazy people.  I'm sure she was hoping for much more capable parents. 

She slept in her bassinet for several hours.  Then she slept on my chest for a while.  Then she slept on Alex's chest for a little bit more before we all finally woke up to start the day.  Since that first night, the pattern has remained the same.  We haven't figured out which one scenario works for us, so for now we are working all our options.  Last night she laid in my arms for 3 hours while we both were fast asleep.  That was the best sleep I've gotten since she arrived.  I love having her next to me. 

My favorite times during the day (or at night) are right after she feeds.  She gets this "milk-drunk" look on her face and just looks up at me with these dazed eyes.  It is in these moments that I fall so madly in love and my heart pulsates out of my body.  Because pregnancy and delivery were so hard, I wondered if I would also dislike breastfeeding.  Turns out, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  At the moment, my milk has started to come in, my breasts are super tender, and my nipples sting with pain (TMI?) but I can't help but love it all the same.  There is nothing in life that compares to breastfeeding, and I am just so thankful I get to have this experience. 
I am thankful for the entire experience, honestly.  Even the gruesome parts of pregnancy and delivery.  It is empowering!  I feel like I am so much stronger, and more capable than I could ever dream of.  And the way that Alex looks at me now, I can tell he agrees.  I am different now, and so much better. 

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