Friday, September 7, 2012

Thoughts at 30 (weeks that is)

I am currently in love with life.  I think I may have found that "happy stage" of pregnancy!  Mornings are a little less strained to get out of bed, and once the sun is fully up I am wide awake, and most days even a bit cheery.

I am head-over-heels in love with my husband.  I mean, I have always loved him, but I think this pregnancy has drawn us closer and deeper in love.  I have to believe that we are bracing and preparing for what will be a crazy couple months or even years ahead of us.  We are building up that dam to protect our marriage from what is to come.

I love, love my job.  For a while last year I became a bit complacent with it.  I was itching for a change.  And now with the biggest change of all on its way, I think I am learning to appreciate and enjoy what it is right in front of me.  I couldn't imagine any other career right now, and I am so excited I get to work for Girls on the Run every single day.

I am also so, so, so happy with our house.  Remember last year when we emptied all of our furniture from our home and attempted unsuccessfully to sell the house and all of our possessions.  I couldn't get out of the house fast enough!  And yet today, I am so settled and so happy that this is where I live.  I must admit, I have never been more content in my entire life!

The biggest piece of all is that I love going to church again.  Alex and I have this phenomenal church that feeds our souls.  It is full of people we love and the Holy Spirit is always present.  But I went through a long phase of hating church and, must I admit, I even despised the interaction with people (not just church people, but all people).  I was suffering tremendously in the first and even early parts of the second trimester.  Not only did I suffer physically, but also spiritually.  In many ways this baby sucked the life out of me. 

And so today, I sit here, counting my blessings.  Thankful that despite my curses, this baby stuck with me.  And now on the other side of the second trimester, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  While I am so anxious for 40 weeks to get here, I couldn't be happier right where I am today.  I am thankful that my husband cares for me so much to really take care of me for the last 6 months.  I am thankful that my friends and church family stuck by my side, even when I didn't want them there.  I am thankful that through it all, God had my back.  He let me slide just a little, so I would need to rely on Him to pick me back up. 

This love and thankfulness didn't come overnight.  About 6 weeks ago I realized I was in a really dark place.  I was sad, and depressed and still very sick.  That is when I decided to do the only thing I knew to make me feel better.  I picked my bible up and created a daily discipline of prayer and scripture.  I chose to thank God despite not feeling thankful.  I chose to love others, despite not feeling very loving.  And I chose to let God take over my heart and heal it. 

My story isn't one of tragedy, but it is my testimony of how God worked in me to refresh my spirit and restore my love.  I love because my Father first loved me.  He sent His only son to die that I may have life.  He made a choice and so now I am given choices.  To love, or not to love.  To live or to die (spiritually, I mean), to rejoice or to give up hope.  I have made my choices.  Which ones will you choose?

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