"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14 (NAS)
I took this verse straight from my morning devotional with Proverbs 31. In fact, I haven't even finished reading it before I had to open my blog screen to jot down thoughts.
Last night I prayed as I rocked Eleanor at 3am. My prayers were needy and harsh and begging for sleep. I prayed that when I lay her back down that she wouldn't wake up. I prayed and prayed. And then stopped myself. I didn't want to pray that prayer, because I knew she would wake up when I laid her down. If I prayed for it and it didn't come true then I would be even more frustrated, but more than that, my faith in God may dwindle. I was praying for a Genie in a bottle. So I prayed prayers that were easier, less specific. "God grant me patience, that when she wakes up I won't be frustrated." See, there, now if I wasn't patient, I could blame that one on myself, not God.
My prayer life is lacking. My confidence in God is lacking. My confidence in the power of prayer is lacking. Last night I reminded myself that it is alright to pray "Sun Stand Still" prayers (Joshua 10:12) and to have confidence in the Lord and so I prayed mightily that Eleanor would not wake up (for the millionth time) as I lay her down. "Sun Stand Still!" I professed as I placed her down in her crib...
"AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" Came the immediate wail. Fail.
I cried silent tears as I patted Eleanor on the back willing her back to sleep. I finally gave up, walked out of the room and threw myself down in bed knowing that Alex would be up to save the day. He has more patience and grace than I could ever muster.
I don't believe there was much sleeping going on for either Alex or Eleanor last night after my surrender. But he kept it to the guest room and the baby room so I could sleep. Now, hours later, I feel like an awful mother because it has become the father's role in our house to be up with the baby. I remind myself, if that works for our house, it is alright. But I feel like a failure as a mom, and I wonder how much it really can be working for Alex. After all, he is the one up past ten grading papers, and up before the sun taking the dog out and getting ready for work. I feel lazy and useless because I can't find the patience to deal with night wakings. It's been six long months since I have slept through the night and I am losing steam.