Maybe I am just not the same anymore. Maybe I am different now. What used to be true for me just isn't anymore. What I used to enjoy, I no longer find joy in. Starting from the top:
Food.
Oh I used to take such pride in the fact that I was vegan. So much so that I pigeonholed my life story blog into one narrow and specific category. Now I want out. But I don't want to lose my space. I am no longer vegan. I try, and it doesn't work. I restrict, and I cheat. I don't like the discipline of eating vegan anymore. I want to eat eggs. I want to eat Greek yogurt. And I want to do these things without feeling like a complete hypocrite. I am sorry if you found this blog looking for vegan inspiration. You may find some vegan recipes you like, but inspiration won't be found here.
Faith.
New Year's Resolution: read the bible everyday, completing the bible in one short year. January 23rd and I am on day 18 in my bible. Whoops. My daily quiet time is slipping away. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's that I can't find a time that works for me. What's that you say? Don't find the time but MAKE THE TIME. Hear, hear. That is my goal today. Catch up on my reading and then plan a time each day that works best for me. Mornings are my favorite for study. However, I always wake up with an intense need to clean up the house: make the bed, start laundry, put things away, get ready for the long day ahead. I realize that spending time with God will be more fulfilling than a made bed any day, I just need to make it a priority.
Fitness.
I don't want to run. It is cold. And I don't like to workout by myself. I keep trying to put races on my calendar and plan trainings schedules that will have me busting out half marathons in 8 weeks, but I just don't want to do it. What I want to do is meet my friend Jenna at the Y and torture myself with Holly's classes. Now that sounds more fun to me. And I shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.
So I'm failing in all the areas I used to succeed in. But failing is the wrong word, because my new life is pretty awesome too. So what I'm not vegan. I eat balanced and healthy meals (except that pie I had for breakfast-dessert the other day!) So what I am not running marathons anymore. I still enjoy a good sweat with a good friend. And so what I don't have my morning ritual of studying the bible, I can study it in the evening when the baby is asleep and there is peace in the house. I just need to make sure I'm still doing it daily.
But here's where I feel like an amazing success lately: I am an awesome mom with an amazing amount of patience. Seriously, where did that come from? I have never had patience before. I even have patience for this crazy pup who is currently chewing on my shoe laces (yes Alex I am correcting her).
I also feel like I am really rocking this Work-At-Home-Mom thing. Girls on the Run registration starts today and I actually feel on top of it. More so than many previous seasons. While each day may not be perfect and smooth, when I look at the big picture I realize I get more done than I think I do. I am able to accomplish pretty much the same amount of work as I did before.
And maybe Alex could argue this, but I think I'm doing ok in the wife category too. Some evenings I stop and think, my goodness I haven't even really acknowledged him. I may be talking at him or to him, but probably not with him (get the distinction). So I know I have lots of room for improvement. To try to not to be too distracted and instead show him the love and attention he deserves. But overall, we are a great team. And we are working together really well.
And that's life. Full of changes. Full of ups and downs. It's just hard to accept sometimes that I am different. I am still me, but I am different. Looking at the positive helps, and acknowledging that the negatives are not the-end-of-the-world helps.
Very beautiful, real post! Thank you for your honesty. You are doing sooooooo great! Food is just food. Nothing else. It's nutrition that gets you up in the morning and takes you through the day. Period. You are an educated woman and you make great food choices to fit your lifestyle. So you're not vegan..... I doubt that's the label you want to be known for late in life. Probably more desirable is the "great mom and wife" I would guess.
ReplyDeleteFinding that time alone to be enveloped in the arms of your heavenly father is crucial, but the way it looks is different for different seasons of your life. Like Ellie Meg, she reacts differently in your arms now than she did when she was brand new. She has more of an awareness, more awake time, more curious, more alert. One day she will be a toddler and will twist and turn and sometimes fuss to be put down away from your arms, but she is still your daughter and you her mother. I say that to say that you are still a daughter of the almighty Father and He is still your God. When life settles down so will you back in His arms. It's good to make time, but don't beat yourself up if it doesnt happen they way you want it to, because to Him you are still in His arms.
You hit the nail on the head with fitness. You hate to go alone. It comes down to that for me always!!!! If it were up to me to go at it alone I would continue to fail. Coming together with those who love you and you them is a great way to workout. It makes it bearable and more effective too. Keep it up. "We're not on the couch" is my mantra when I run now. (Which I haven't done in a week because I miss my partners and won't do it myself!) You. Are. An. Amazing. Woman. Thanks you so much for opening up. I love you.