Thursday, February 24, 2011

Second Thing...

Mom, Dad, don't be mad at me for posting this.

You see the reason I have been so hesitant to put this down is not only because writing it will make it real, but also because it really isn't mine to share.  For several weeks I have kept from putting my words onto the blog because I felt that it might upset my family.  In many ways, I feel like it wasn't my business to share.

On the flip side, it affects me.  It affects my life.  It affects my family.  And therefore on some level I feel it is my own personal issue, even if it only indirectly involves me.

Are you confused yet, or have you got it figured out.

My parent's are getting a divorce.

This has been an emotional roller coaster for me over the last few weeks and I have been hit hard with the news.  My parents have struggled in their marriage over the years, and to be honest we feared this would happen many times.  However, they always pulled through and at least on the outside it looked as though they grew stronger from each battle that was fought.

The news of the divorce has rocked my world, right down to the core.  I wonder why sometimes: I live a thousand miles away, and to be honest, my day-to-day life won't really suffer that much.  But that is when I realize that it isn't the day-to-day occurrences that really make me who I am.  It is my relationships.

Not only is their relationship with each other suffering, but my relationship with each one of them has been put to the test.  It is difficult to know the right words to say, to support your parents although you don't support their decisions, and to know when to just keep your mouth shut.  I am torn between wanting to know the details, and needing to stay out of their business.  I am also torn between wanting to remove myself completely, shutting down, blocking out, but the need to stay present, sympathetic and loving.  I want to run and hide one minute, and the next I want to run home and receive a big hug from my mom and dad.

Divorce is hard.  The D-word is like an earthquake beneath my feet and a bomb over my head.  Simultaneously released, my world as I know it is crumbling and shifting.  I find myself at odd times of day fresh with emotion and tears.  I will be in the car driving and just break down.  I am so sad for them.  I am worried about them.  I am worried they will be lonely.  I wonder how they will fill their days, their evenings.  I see them in my head, sitting all alone on the couch at night and I am heartbroken.  I don't want them to be hurt and mad at each other, but I don't want them to be lonely and sad either.  I want for them to be happy, joyful, loving and full of life. 

As I write this entry, I question if this reality is really mine.  Or is this someone else's story I'm telling?  I have grown to know my parents exactly as they are.  I cannot grasp the concept of visiting home next time and them not being at the same house.  The idea of my mom living anywhere else drives me crazy and makes my throat close up and the pressure in my face build.

I think what makes this so difficult is that I'm grieving two-fold.  I am sad for them and their loss.  But I am also sad for me and for what I am losing.  I don't want to split my time between the two of them, choosing where to go and stay when I visit.  I don't want to go to an event with them on opposite sides of a room and question whose side to sit on (right in the middle?).  Thinking about the divorce makes the small ill-tempered child in me arise and stamp her foot and cross her arms and pout.  I just don't want to deal with it.  It makes me too sad.  Too depressed.  Too emotional.  Too heartbroken.  I just don't like it. 

When I get really sad over it, it almost feels like I am grieving a death.  And I suppose in some ways it is a death...the death of a marriage, which should be a living, breathing thing.  Right now it's like a person, laying there, struggling to breathe, grasping with little hope to life.  And soon that person is about to take their last breath and it will all be over.  But this isn't an old person...someone who has lived a full life and is ready to go.  No this is a middle-aged person with so much life in them, so much more to give.  It's too soon to let go.  It's too soon to say good-bye.  This isn't the way it's supposed to be.  Now is your prime.  When you are supposed to really start living life.  That is how I feel about their marriage.  Your kids are gone...don't give up, it's time to play!  Have fun!  Live your life!  Discover your love for one another again and don't give it up!

But see, that is where I get myself into trouble.  I want to dish out advice to an unwelcome audience.  I am their child after all and that is not my place.  But it is so difficult to sit and watch idly while this story unfolds in front of me.  The scariest part is looking ahead and wondering what that future will look like.  What will it be like the next time I visit home, what about when I have children and I take them to see their grandparents?  My little brother's graduation from college, med school?  His wedding?  What are these events going to be like?  I know...selfish thoughts but I can't help myself.  I'm sad and grieved.

So there it is.  It probably makes sense of all the whining and emotional writing I have been doing over the past few weeks.  I'm hoping that writing this out will help me or someone on some level so it isn't all in vain.  I hope I haven't hurt anyone or offended by writing this, I did it only out of love and not to hurt.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear this, Tanya. I can't imagine how confusing/sad/painful/frustrating this is. Praying for you.

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  2. I'm sorry to hear Tanya. Thinking of you~

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