Friday, January 28, 2011

Go easy.

It is no sooner that I type I Love Me, that my guard is let down and the negative banter rolls right in.  Yesterday I struggled finding that happy voice in my mind and blocking out the mean voices. 

I Love Me.  I Love Me. I repeat over and over in my mind.  There, that does the trick.  For a moment the false guilt and shame is gone and I am free.  It works I promise.  Maybe for a fleeting few seconds, but replacing the negative with the positive will always win out in the end.  I am going to keep working on it.

This morning when I work up feeling especially unhappy with the bowl of cereal I ate for dinner and the lack of veggies in my diet--I cut it off at the thought.  And instead I prayed.  "God you love me.  You love my body and you created it just for me.  It is my job to appreciate it and use it for your will and for the good of your kingdom.  Show me how to be happy with myself and to move on from the worry, guilt and pressure.  Yours truly, Tanya Kummerow"  (Ok, I didn't say yours truly, usually I just end with an AMEN! 

One of the culprits this week of my in-and-out negative thoughts is the boot that is currently residing on my foot. 

I visited the doctor on Wednesday and had x-rays.  Nothing is broken, however it could be a stress fracture or tendonitis.  Without a very expensive MRI it is hard to tell.  He assured me the treatment is the same either way: rest.  He prescribed a boot and a lot of time off my feet for two weeks.  After two weeks I can give it a go but if the pain remains, another two weeks in the boot. 

As if I wasn't already feeling antsy after taking the initial week off after the marathon.  Now I am officially benched.  He did say I could swim without kicking my legs.  He didn't say anything about lifting weights, but I figure if it is just my arms it couldn't hurt right?  So I do have plans to meet some friends at the gym this morning. 

The guilt and negative feelings might be coming from my forced sedentary lifestyle, but not in the way you are probably thinking.  I'm really not concerned at all about weight and gaining because lack of exercise.  Sure I think about how I have to eat less to compensate, but I believe it is the benefits of exercise such as the release of endorphins that have me feeling blue.  I think I am prone to seasonal mood swings.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is not a joke and I had a friend once that was affected severely by the winter.  I find that exercising, especially outdoors has really helped boost my mood, my energy and my joy this winter. 

I have been stuck inside for over a week now!  No walks, no runs, no hikes.  I rarely step outside even to get in my car because we park in a garage!  Multiply that with a very busy, stressful two weeks at work and I am feeling the need for a heart-pounding sweat session, preferably outside! 

Until I was 22 years old I never exercised.  I ran the mile a few times in gym, but running was not under my radar.  Neither was sweating, lifting weights, yoga or anything else health related.  Eating healthy was unheard of and in college I survived on pizza and french fries and turkey sandwiches.  It is a wonder to me at all that I made it to the ripe old age of 26! 

But now I have 4 solid years under my belt of healthy living.  Eating right, exercising regularly and NOT SMOKING!  Even during these past 4 years the level of healthy living has been up and down and I don't remember being so discouraged before about taking 2 weeks off.  With that in mind and realizing that this isn't a race and there is no finish line in site, I need to relax.  I have the rest of my life to run miles, lift weights, hike, bike, enjoy the great outdoors.  THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE.  I need to go easy on myself right now and enjoy the rest!

Those are my Friday morning thoughts.  What are yours?

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