Sunday, July 25, 2010

Reality?

So I wonder, if I could accurately convey the thoughts in my head down on paper, would I sound as crazy as I feel sometimes? Maybe I am just too coward to let my deep inner thoughts out into the world. Maybe that's not a bad thing...

I'm just thinking, because this week has been a most difficult one for me. Do you have those weeks, when you question reality? You question your choices and the purpose of each choice? Well that's where I've been, and I think I can safely say that I am on the upswing of this intense week. But now my question is: where does all that questioning leave me?

And then I'm back to the beginning. And maybe there really is no purpose to the questioning, and perhaps it was all part of a bad week...I hope that there was more to it than that, however, and I pray that I can find some discernment in it all.

Which brings me to this morning. Unfortunately I didn't get to sit in church long, just the first few songs but while I was there a feeling came over me. A very deep sense of belonging. I always feel belonged (ha that's not a word) at church, but this was different. I can't even describe it as feeling "at home" because again, I always feel at home in church. This feeling was more like a "I could never feel at home anywhere else." More than just the physical building and the people surrounding me, but at home with Jesus. Like: this is my home, and no other place could I feel comfortable.

I find in normal every day situations I don't "fit in" as much anymore. Sometimes I try to go shopping, and I definitely don't fit in there. When we go out on that rare occasion, I tend to feel very out of place.

So I guess the point of this is, that although I've had a rough week, I have felt very lost and alone, I know that I'm not lost, and that I'm not alone. And maybe its the fact that I live in a world that I don't belong in that all these questions come up. I belong to my creator, and I am only in this world for a small amount of time, and I need to do the best with that time that I can.

So this week I am going to work hard, I am going to play hard, and I am going to love God each and every day for what he has given me and for what he has done for me. And maybe some of my questions will begin to melt away...

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